Sarah's Guide to Picking me up in a Bar

I'm writing this in first person, but I really think I can speak for all girls when I say these are at least 5 things you should not do. They are in bold and annotaded at the bottom with further explanation.

A really hard thing to do is walk up to a total stranger and strike up a conversation. I realize this so I don't do it. But some people do dig deep and find that courage and I can't help but at least be respectful of it, no matter how instantly uninterested I am. Now I don't want this to be, in any way, interpreted as delusions about the pleasure of my company. It really did stick in my craw and I sincerely hope this may help someone.

True story.
I was at a birthday party at Goose Island on Saturday for my friend Horton*. I was at a fairly large table with some friends just talking and enjoying myself. I found myself pretty alone at one point as people went to the bathroom or to get drinks and this guy sits down next to me and says "You look famliar".(1) Now I've gotten this line before, and as I said, it's hard to walk up and just talk to people so I was nice in my indifference. I said,"Oh, ya know I get that a lot, I think I may just have one of those faces." He had absolutely no response to this. No follow up. No contingency plan. (2) I was feeling a little awkward so I introduced myself. He said "I'm Harry*". Again no, follow up. And then word vomit. He went on about how hard it is to talk to girls and how you have to be really sure about your game (which he had none) and that, as a writer, he was excited to go home and recount this experience in his journal (or blog or something). I didn't know what to say. I mean, what do you say after that. So I said nothing. My aim was to make it so uncomfortable for him that he'd just excuse himself. And he did. But not after explaining that he was going to go away for a few minutes to collect his thoughts. Or more likely, to re-game his game.
So he came back, as promised. Luckily my friend Hattie* was on top of it. She spidey sensed my distress and came to take over. She successfully passed him along to my friend Holly-Jo* who is too nice to not talk to him, but is genuinely interested in things people have to say. So I had my back turned and was talking with Hattie. He stayed at the table .(3) I saw him out of the corner of my eye reaching for a cupcake the Holly-Jo made for Horton's birthday. But he wasn't reaching to eat it. He picked at the frosting and wiped it all on the table and left it there. (4) Who does that? Hattie's boyfriend Carlton* had to wipe it up.

So here comes round three. He sits down next to me again and asks how I know Horton. I said "My cousin Lucille's* husband Buster* is a really good friend of his. How about you?" He said he works with Horton's friend Monjombo* and asked if I knew him. I asked him to point him out and it turned out to be a guy I only knew as Sharky, so I said "Oh Sharky, I've met him a few times, he's a nice guy". His face went white. He actually asked me not to mention to Sharky that he struck out because he'll make fun of him at work.(5) Dude, it's really hard to strike out when you haven't even gotten up to bat.
The End

* names have been changed to protect the innocent

(1) Don't use this line until you have confirmed with at least 3 people that you actually DO know this person.
(2)So you don't know this person. Now what. This encounter is unsolicited so it is up to you to either walk away or come up with something pretty interesting to talk about. You brought this on yourself.
(3)If someone you were talking to turns her back at the first available moment, it's time to leave.
(4)Don't ever, ever do this. With anything. Someone made those cupcake for a birthday and you decide it's appropriate to wipe it on the table. Are you serious? You don't even know the person that made those. You have no respct, sir, and thus you also will never have mine.
(5) Of couse I'm going to tell people. You are ridiculous. Everyone knows that the last thing you do if you don't want people to find out about something is tell people not to say anything. Idiot.I hope Sharky found out.